I thought
by Lifer-Like-Me1980
Summary: Shane follows Jenny home in an effort to explain, but during a conversation with her best friend she discovers feelings she'd been trying to surpress. Shenny
1. Chapter 1: Confrontation

A/N: This is my first ever L Word fanfic and I really Hope you all enjoy it

A/N: This is my first ever L Word fanfic and I really Hope you all enjoy it. I felt that there aren't enough Shenny fics so I wrote one.I know it ends off with too many opened ends and little closure, but I wanted to leave it open for another chapter. It picks up where season five leaves off and for right now is only Shenny. Anyway, enjoy!

I Thought….

Chapter One

Confrontation

Shane felt nervous as she opened the door to the house. She knew Jenny wouldn't want to see her or talk to her, but Shane simply couldn't allow their friendship to end this way. She walked into the living room, pushing all her fears aside and approaching Jenny, who sat silently crying on the couch. Shane felt as if a thousand knives were piercing her heart all at once. She had never meant for this to happen.

"Jen," She began, but Jenny held up and hand to cut her off.

"No, please. Don't." Jenny said as she rose to her feet and began to exit the room.

"Jen, don't leave." Shane begged.

"I'm going to sleep. I can't even look at you." She replied.

Shane went from being sympathetic to a bit angry. "Jen, I know you're hurt, but you can't even look at me? That's a little harsh don't you think?"

Jenny looked at Shane in surprise. She was taken aback at the audacity Shane had to think she was in any position to talk to her like that.

"Yeah. I don't even wanna look at you. I don't see Shane anymore." Jenny explained.

"Oh?" Shane replied. "Who do you see?"

"I see you and my girlfriend. I see her naked and you…" Jenny winced. "Please don't make me think or talk about it, Shane."

"Don't do this, Jen. Don't give up on us this quickly." Shane begged. Jenny looked hurt.

"Maybe you should have thought about that when you were with Nikki. Before anything happened. Or better yet, before you took Carmen from me. Time after time, Shane, you have betrayed me. You are not my best-."

"Jenny! Stop! Please!" Shane cried. Jenny glared at Shane and then retreated to her bedroom. She immediately reappeared.

"You know, Shane. You know what I don't understand?"

"What?" Shane asked quietly.

"I understand that you… But why? Why did you quit your job and come with me? Why did you sit there and tell me that you loved me and that you were my best friend? Why did you console me when I was upset? Shane, you've broken my heart and you've broken my trust and-."

"Jenny! Please! I know you're hurt but I-." Shane felt Jenny slipping further and further away with every word. "I was just so… It wasn't about Nikki."

"Oh it wasn't? Because that's not usually what I'm thinking when I'm having sex." Jenny replied. "So tell me, Shane. Tell me what it was about. Tell me that you didn't want it. Tell me she wasn't amazing." Jenny exclaimed, eye makeup running down her face. "Go ahead, Shane."

Shane lowered her head in shame. "I'm sorry, Jen. I wasn't thinking at all. Not about you and Nikki. I was thinking about Molly and about her mom. I was thinking about cheating on Molly, not causing Nikki to cheat on you. I had been drinking… I was…confused and hurt and-."

"Right. Of course. You couldn't tell her to her face that you were sick of her. That you were done using her. That you got tired of her and wanted to move on to something new. Or someone new. You had to cheat on her. Cheat on me. You are the worst best friend ever." Jenny turned her back to Shane. "I feel so stupid."

"No, Jen. I should be the one feeling-." But Jenny walked outside, slamming the front door behind her.

She sat alone on the front steps and lit a cigarette with shaky hands. She heard the door open and close behind her. She didn't turn around. She was too upset.

Shane touched Jenny's back, but Jenny recoiled. "Please don't touch me." She said in a bordering-on-calm monotone voice.

Shane, once again, felt as though she had failed. Only this morning she would have been able to hug Jenny or even kiss her, and now she had betrayed her. What really horrified her though, was the thought that the last time she hugged her- right before she betrayed her- might be the last hug she and Jenny would ever share. Suddenly Shane began realizing feelings she had been trying to surpress. _No._ Shane pleaded with herself. _It's too late for this._

"I'm sorry." Shane responded, jerking her hand off Jenny's back. "What I was saying was, I should feel stupid. I betrayed the only person who never betrayed me."

Jenny looked up at Shane. She made eye contact, but her face was blank, and Shane couldn't read her.

"Can we talk about this, Jen?" Shane asked once more, bracing herself to get shot down.

Jenny silently nodded her head. She put out the cigarette in her hand and reached for the box.

"Can I bum one?" Shane asked. Jenny handed her the box and lighter.

"Jen," Shane said while lighting a cigarette. "I know I fucked up. I know I hurt you. And the truth is, I _do_ mess up my relationships. Everyone else has told me that, but I guess now that you said it, I'm willing to believe it. Please don't feel stupid. Please don't ever blame yourself for any of this. I know you would have never thought Nikki would- you know."

"The thing is, Shane," Jenny replied, trying hard to compose herself and steady her voice. She couldn't let Shane know she was this hurt. "I-." She faultered. Her voice cracked slightly as she forced back tears. "I would have expected this from her." Jenny replied.

Shane glanced at Jenny quickly, and then away. The intensity of the pain in Jenny's eyes was too much to handle.

"But not from you." Jenny shook her head slowly from side to side. "Not from you." Jenny rose to her feet and began to open the door.

"Jen, please wait." Shane begged. "I'm not ready to lose you."

Jenny turned to face Shane. Shane stood and cautiously approached Jenny.

"Shane, the truth is, I was going to leave her." Jenny said.

Shane was a bit puzzled but still understood why Jenny was hurt.

"You were?" Shane asked.

"Yeah. I thought I loved someone else." Jenny replied shaking her head as if what she was saying was ridiculous. "I feel really stupid." Jenny replied.

Shane grabbed Jenny's wrist. Jenny pulled away. "Don't ever touch me again. Not with those hands. Those filthy hands that you steal my girlfriends with."

"Jen you are my best friend. Can't we work-?"

"Don't you dare call me your best friend. I'm nothing to you. And I guess I don't really want to be anymore…" Jenny trailed off.

"Anymore?" Shane echoed. She was burning up to know what Jenny was talking about.

"Like I said, I'm really stupid." Jenny replied. "Goodnight, Shane."

"Jenny wait!" Shane called once more. "Do you love me?"

"I don't even know you." Jenny replied coldly.

"Yes you do." Shane replied.

"I thought I knew you, but the Shane I knew would never hurt me like this." Jenny replied and slammed the door. Shane was left out in the cold, to contemplate what Jenny had said. There was a furious battle in her mind.

_This cannot be good. You don't love her. How can you? She's your best friend and you constantly let her down. Don't let yourself love her, you could never take care of her. She needs consistency. She needs someone who can't stop thinking about her and someone who only wants her. That's what love is. Not this… You are just afraid of losing her._

"No. That's not what this is about." Shane determined as she walked inside, a new confidence controlling her.

She walked into the house and Jenny had already gone to bed. She opened the door and saw Jenny asleep on her bed, still in her dress. She put the blankets on top of Jenny and kissed her forehead.

"Goodnight, Jen." She whispered. "I love you."


	2. Chapter 2: Pros and Cons

A/N: So I have decided to kind of make it less purely romance and more of the whole L Word experience, but this is still a Shenny fic

A/N: So I have decided to kind of make it less purely romance and more of the whole L Word experience, but this is still a Shenny fic. A couple of warnings, this chapter is pretty unrealistic, and there will be an OC character entering the picture soon. So here it is.

Chapter Two

Pros and Cons

The next morning, Shane met up with the rest of the gang, save Jenny, at the planet. She pushed open the planet's doors and the aroma of vanilla and coffee beans welcomed her. She spotted a table off to the side where Alice, Tasha, Tina and Bette sat and joined them.

"Hey guys." Shane said groggily. She wasn't fully awake yet, and wasn't sure if she would be for quite some time. She hadn't slept a bit the night before, too worried about losing Jenny._ Jenny._ Shane smiled. But then remnants of last night's conversation flooded her memory and her stomach hurt.

"Hey." The four greeted in almost-unison. They all spoke cautiously and welcomed Shane with careful and unfriendly smiles.

"So, how'd it go?" Alice asked as she picked up her coffee and took a sip.

"Um not bad." Shane forced, but when she saw the unbelieving glances of the others, she caved. "Okay, terrible." Shane admitted. "She's really mad at me."

"Well can you blame her?" Tina asked.

Shane shot an offended look at Tina, but quickly surrendered. "No, I can't."

"Has anyone heard from Helena Peabody? I heard she's in town." Bette asked, desperate to change the subject.

"Oh yeah, she's at the hospital visiting her mom." Alice responded.

"You know who I hear she's- you know- doing?" Shane asked.

"Who?" The girls all lit up. Gossip was a favorite pastime in their community.

"That Cindy chick." Shane answered with a giant grin on her face.

"No way!" Alice exclaimed. "Dawn's-lover-Cindy?"

"That's the one." Shane replied with a little giggle. "Oh, by the way, Tina. How did the movie end up?"

Tina rolled her eyes. "Well Adele, being the brilliant little director she is decided to cut the end scene and put her with a guy." Tina said, much to the dismay of everyone at the table.

"No way." Shane replied.

"Unfortunately. And it hits theatres at the end of this month, so I think it's too late to change it."

"Jenny worked so hard on that. She would be furious. " Shane said sadly.

"Yes well, it seems like you don't care that much about her in the first place, Shane." Bette said coldly as she stood, gathered her phone and her purse and left for work.

"Yikes, well, Tasha and I should be leaving too." Alice said rising to her feet and giving Shane a hug. "Hope you fix things with Jenny."

"Me too." Shane replied.

Shane and Tina were left alone at the table. Shane drank her coffee silently and caught a sympathetic glance from Tina.

"They'll forget it ever happened by next week. We're lesbians. That's how we are."

Shane laughed and continued to sip on her coffee.

"You know, Shane, you were the only one who went with her." Tina continued. Shane stopped drinking her coffee and looked intently at Tina. She felt exposed and worried at the same time.

"You never left her side when the rest of us hated her."

"She's my best friend." Shane replied. "Well she was… or is. I'm not sure."

"Ah. Of course." Tina replied coolly. "Well if you'll excuse me, I should be picking up Angelica from the neighbor's house and taking her to pre school."

"Yeah, no problem." Shane said, struggling for composure. Did Tina know how she felt about Jenny?

"Oh but Shane, it's too bad you never got to read the real end. Jesse falls madly in love with Sean."

"She-she does?" Shane responded, dumbfounded.

"Yeah." Tina replied.

The phone rang, waking Jenny from a sound sleep. She looked at the clock. It was 2:30 p.m. She must have been so warn out from the previous night that she slept in. It didn't really matter, she didn't want to be stuck at the Planet with the girls. They were probably talking about her.

She sat up on the bed and looked at the caller I.D. It was a call from back home. Someone in her family calling to check up on her? This was unusual.

"Hello?" Jenny answered. "Yes?... No, this is she… Are you okay?... Oh my God. No, sweetie, your coming to L.A. to stay with me…My roommate? She'll be cool with it." Jenny said and hung up the phone.

She rose to her feet, threw on some clothes and hurried to the planet. When she walked in, she was both disgusted and relieved to see only Shane sitting at the table. Shane waved and as Jenny approached, she called out.

"Hey, Jen!" She said with a welcoming smile.

"Hello, Shane." Jenny replied coldly. Shane was disappointed.

"So to what do I owe this visit?" Shane asked.

"My half-sister is coming to stay with us tomorrow. I don't know how long she'll be here. I just thought I'd let you know" Jenny replied.

"Great! Which one?"

"Shiloh." Jenny replied. "She's nineteen so I'd prefer if you didn't…you know, publicly fuck her."

"I would never-." Shane replied, suppressing a horrified gasp.

"Of course you wouldn't." Jenny shuffled to her feet and exited the Planet. Shane followed her calling her name.

"Jen, no!" Shane replied. "There's something I have to tell you."

Jen stopped in her tracks and stared intently at Shane. "I'm listening."

Shane didn't know what she was feeling, but she was too intimidated to tell Jenny those three little words. "I'm- really excited to meet Shiloh tomorrow."

"Um… good." Jenny replied in confusion, and with that, the girls headed home.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Shiloh

Jenny woke up the following morning to the smell of bacon. She walked to the kitchen and spotted Shane cooking a huge breakfast.

"Good morning." Shane greeted.

"What's all this?" Jenny asked.

"Just breakfast. I knew you had to get up early to get Shiloh and I didn't think you'd have time to stop by the Planet, so I thought I'd cook you something." Shane said.

"Thanks." Jenny replied, reluctantly sitting down to the table. "This doesn't change anything, Shane."

"Come on, Jen. Like I said, I'm your friend." Shane said setting a plate full of every breakfast food imaginable in front of Jenny. Jenny took a bite.

"Shane, friends don't do that." Jenny replied. "This is amazing, by the way." She said, taking a sip of orange juice.

"Jen, I don't think there's anything I can say to make this better." Shane replied. "But your not just my best friend, you're my roommate. We have to talk some time."

"I don't think we do, Shane." Jenny replied.

"I just want you to know that I'm sorry. I am so sorry." Shane insisted. "I have no idea what I was thinking."

"You were thinking that I wasn't going to know." Jenny answered. Shane's head dropped in shame.

"That's not true, Jenny." Shane responded instantly. "I was thinking… I don't know. But Jenny, you are the only person in the whole world who matters to me right now. You are my world, Jen. You are my best friend. I won't stop until you understand that, Jenny. And when you realize how much… I love you, I will be here. And I will be a better person because I'll know what it's like to have actually lost something." Shane turned away, she couldn't handle the tension. "Jenny, I can't stand that I hurt you. The part of me that could allow myself to even think of hurting you is the part of me that _I_ even hate. I don't know why... I don't know why I broke your trust. I don't know why I had to hurt the only person who never hurt me, but I did, and all I can do now is apologize and tell you that I will never hurt you again and hope to God that you believe me."

Tears stung Jenny's eyes as she watched Shane shift from foot to foot uneasily. She wanted so badly to believe that Shane had meant every word of that, but if she really loved Jenny, why did she hurt her? Although out of every friend Jenny had ever had, Shane was the most like her in so many ways. Jenny was untrustworthy too. She had the same desire to ruin all the good things in her life. She had a dysfunctional streak. That's why they went so well together.

"I have to pick up Shiloh." Jenny said thoughtfully as she left the room.

Later that day, while Jenny was gone to the airport, Shane met up with the girls at the planet. To her delight, Helena and Cindy were also there today.

"Hey guys." Shane said as she sat down between Tina and Helena.

"Hey there." Alice replied. "Where's Jenny?"

Shane moaned. "At the airport picking up her sister." Shane replied.

"Oh she's coming for a visit? That's nice." Tina said.

"Well, actually…" Shane trailed off. "I think she's living with us for a while."

"Oh wow. Where is she going to sleep?" Bette asked.

"My room, I guess. I can sleep on the couch or something."

"You can stay with Tasha and I if you need to." Alice offered.

"Thanks, Al. I think I'm gonna stick it out at my house until me and Jen fix things."

"You and Jenny?" Helena asked.

"You haven't heard about Shane and-?" Tasha started but Alice kicked her leg under the table.

"No, of course I have heard about that._ Everyone _has heard about that." Helena replied indignantly. Shane's face went red with embarrassment. Shane hated being gossiped about. " I just don't understand why it matters so much. She'll come around."

"It matters because little Shaney hear is in love with Jenny." Alice replied in her cutesy voice.

"Oh come on Alice!" Shane growled. "I am not! Jenny is my best friend and I don't want to lose her."

Everyone exchanged skeptical glances. "Shane, come on." Bette replied. "You love her. You would have to love her to work this hard to make it up to her."

"That's for sure." Alice replied. "I mean, Jenny isn't exactly the easiest person to get alon with.

"Does Jenny know you love her?" Helena asked.

"Apparently everyone _but_ Jenny knows. I don't know how to tell her."

The girls all looked at Shane with a satisfied smile. Shane caved. "Okay! You got me. I …love… her."

"Well the best way to tell her is to tell her." Tasha said.

"No. Not with Jenny." Tina said.

"Tina's right." Alice replied. "Jenny's more difficult than that."

"You need to do something amazing for her." Bette said.

"Like what?" Shane asked.

"Well what does she like?" Cindy asked. "What does she really care about?"

"Her book. Her movie. Writing." Shane replied.

"You could write her something." Tina offered. Shane shook her head no.

"I'm a terrible writer." Shane replied.

"Well what about the movie?" Cindy asked.

"What about it?" Shane replied.

"They messed up the ending. They put the main character with a guy and those of us who worked on the movie are upset about it." Tina explained to Cindy.

"Wait a minute, Tina…" Shane sat up in her chair and her face lit up. "Have they shot the last scene yet?"

"Next week." Tina replied. "I think they're shooting it on Wednesday."

"I have to convince Adele not to fuck up Jenny's movie." Shane said excitedly.

"Adele can't be convinced." Tina replied.

"Maybe not," Helena replied. "But perhaps she can be bought."

"Helena, I couldn't ask you to do that." Shane replied.

"I want to, Shane." Helena replied.

The sound of the car door slamming echoed through the airport parking deck. It was a warm day in Los Angeles, and the sky was cloudless and blue. Shiloh had never visited Los Angeles before, and Jenny couldn't wait to show her around.

Jenny hurried to the proper gate, gate 21 C and watched as people got off the airplane. When she spotted her sister, she waved and walked over to hug her.

When the girls got home, there was no sign of Shane. Jenny wasn't surprised.

"Shane is my roommate." Jenny explained, helping Shiloh get her things inside. "And we're in a bit of a fight. So she'll probably be spending the night at Alice's."

"That sucks." Shiloh replied. "What happened?"

"She fucked my girlfriend." Jenny replied, trying to sound cool, but her voice was vitriolic and full of anger. "Anyway, let's get your stuff unpacked."

Shane followed Helena and Tina to the set. She watched as Tina and Helena tried to convince her not to change the last scene. Shane even tried to persuade her not to. When that didn't work, Helena offered Adele some money.

"Oh please." Adele replied caustically. "Surely this is a joke. This movie will make me billions. This is my creation-."

"This is Jenny's creation." Shane shouted.

"Jenny wouldn't know a good story if it bitter in the ass. She has no talent, you know that."

Shane had never wanted to slap someone more, it took Tina and Helena to mentally hold her back by the judgmental frowns they gave her.

"Either you take the money and you change it," Helena explained. "Or I buy the movie, get credited for your work, and _I_ change it. The choice is yours."

After arguing and calling the other producers and directors, Adele decided to take the money.

"Fine. But my name stays on the credits."

"Fine." Helena replied.

"Oh and Ms. Peabody?" Adele called as the girls were leaving.

"Yes?" Helena asked.

"Believe me when I say that you will pay for this."


	4. Chapter 4: Kiss the Girl

A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed

Chapter Four

Kiss The Girl

Shane's stomach fluttered with anxiety as she walked up the steps to their house. It was crunch time. She was about to tell Jenny how she felt. Or was she? Nerves got the best of her and she sat on the steps and lit a cigarette.

"Jenny, there's something I need to tell you." She practiced. _No that's too formal. Relax._

The door opened and someone who looked surprisingly similar to Jenny walked out.

"Oh- I'm sorry." She stuttered, fumbling with the doorknob to go back inside.

"Oh, no. Don't go." Shane said warmly. "You must be Shiloh. I'm Shane." She rose to her feet and held her hand out to shake Shiloh's. "Come sit down and talk to me." Shiloh smiled and joined Shane. Shane gave her a cigarette and lit it for her.

"Thanks." She said shyly.

"Man, you look just like your sister." Shane said, shaking her head from side to side. " So what brings you to our house?"

"Long story." Shiloh replied, rolling her eyes and pushing her long, dark hair behind her ears. "But basically my dad- um Jenny's step-dad- is a complete asshole."

"Yeah. So I've heard." Shane replied. "So where's Jenny?"

"Oh I think she's in the shower. She's been in the bathroom for forever so-."

"What?!" Shane interrupted. Her mind flooded with horrible thoughts as she remembered the last time she had to rescue Jenny. She leaped up and ran inside and into the bathroom, calling to Shiloh that she'd be right back.

"Jen?" She called. No answer, but after several seconds of sick fear, she heard the muffled sounds of Jenny crying. _At least she's alive._ "Can I come in?"

"No!" Jenny replied.

"Jen, please?" Shane begged.

"No, Shane." Jenny responded firmly, but Shane turned the doorknob and entered anyway, revealing Jenny who quickly fumbled for something to cover her legs up with. The floor was covered with blood.

"Jen, what-?" Shane started, but she knelt down beside Jenny and held her as she cried, much like she had done before. "Why, Jen? Because of me?"

"Because of _me,_ Shane." Jenny replied rolling her eyes. "And besides, it's not like it matters to you."

"If you mean that the whole fling I had with Nikki doesn't matter, than you'd be right." Shane replied, releasing Jenny and looking her in the eyes.

Jenny shrugged and made a face, obviously taking it the wrong way. "Nothing matters to you, Shane."

"That's not true!" Shane argued. Jenny looked infuriated.

"Yeah? It's not? What matters to you, Shane?" She almost shouted. Shane held her close.

"This, Jenny." She said softly. "You."

"Stop it." Jenny jerked away.

"Stop what, Jenny?" Shane asked.

"Stop feeling sorry for me."

"No, Jen. I mean it." Shane insisted.

"Oh, I'm sure you do." Jenny said, a mixture of sarcasm and pain.

"No, Jen. I fucking do." Shane replied. Jenny's expression immediately changed when she detected the sound of sincerity in Shane's voice.

Shane looked Jenny in the eye and lightly touched one of her hands. For the first time in days, Jenny let her hand rest there. Shane smiled. "Hear me out, okay?" she pleaded.

Jenny simply nodded her head, eyes innocent and full of tears.

"So I don't know when it started but… I think it's always been there. I realized that I'm… in love with you, Jenny. And I had no idea how to tell you. It's been driving me crazy. So I decided to do something really special and I was really excited and then all this happened-."

"Shane, elaborate, you are making no sense."

"Well I was at the Planet and I decided to… Well it was going to be a surprise but- I had Adele change the ending back to your original ending. I was going to do it all properly. I was going to give you the copy and say something sweet and poetic, but I can't not tell you."

Jenny hugged Shane's neck and cried quietly on her shoulder. When they finally pulled apart Jenny looked her in her eyes, and took her hands.

"Want to know a secret?" Jenny asked, smiling through her tears.

Shane nodded.

"I wasn't in love with Nikki, Shane. That's not what the speech was about. That's not what finding her was about. I was… talking about you, Shane."

"You were?" Shane asked, genuinely surprised. Jenny nodded sheepishly, but Shane lowered her face close to Jenny's.

"Can you forgive me, Jen?" She whispered. Jenny nodded and leaned in to kiss Shane.


End file.
